I was going through my “unfinished” folder the other night, pre-writing for today’s post. I’m on a weekend away with my husband and wanted something teed up. I wrote this in October 2009, just months after I started my blog. I had no strategy, no plan, I was just writing for me. Here’s what I wrote (with some 2014 editing):

I feel so lost today I almost can’t stand it. There’s sadness, anxiety. I’m overwhelmed. I feel it in my bones. I’m sleepwalking through a glorious fall day. Days like this, I can only hope for moments of peace. I went for a walk this morning and then stumbled through ninety minutes of “what to do.” My plan was to hide at a café and write. Well, a sunny Sunday by the beach means people and kids and my raw self can’t take that. I thought of home but knew that my husband and kids could be there.

And then it hits me. My next door neighbors are on a trip; I’m on cat feeding duty. Their house is quiet and with cats—both important factors in relaxing. They love when I spend time with their babies. I brew some tea and sit in their backyard which, despite being just next to ours, gets far more sun. I finish my book. When, I come inside to lock up, I see my husband’s car and feel a pang of guilt. I love my family but am so on edge. I still need to be alone. I don’t want to be stressed with my kids. So, I unpack the laptop and here I sit in their sun-drenched living room, trying to write myself out of the feeling. Going home and being frustrated won’t work. Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. I want it to be nice for him.

I am watching the rise and fall of Ella, their tortoise cat’s belly as she sleeps. And when I say belly, I mean belly. These are well-fed cats. Billie, their other cat sleeps nearby. Animals can tell when you need calming down.

I think I’m ready to go home now, see my family, go back into my life. I hope someday, no, I believe someday, that I will not feel this much anxiety and stress about motherhood and parenting and even marriage. They will grow, mature, it will get easier. We will get better. It’s so hard for me right now. I love them. I love, love them. I love my husband, I love being a mom, I’m glad we had two, but I’m overwhelmed. And that makes me feel guilty. But I know I need this time.

I’m looking forward to that someday.

And today, it is November 8, 2014, six years later and worlds apart. I remember that shaky feeling. It is so rare now that I gasped when I opened this post.  For me, the early days were hard. I had postpartum anxiety and depression. I was in the throes of a chronic illness exacerbated by the local weather. There were a lot of factors at play six years ago. I’m glad I kept that post. I’m glad I opened it tonight. It’s important to see that things change. Things evolve and grow and get easier. Life is a journey. Every stop along the way is a step you take to someday.  

You’ll see a new post from me, every day in November as part of National Blog Posting Month, NaBloPoMo. Join in for an entire month dedicated to writing. See BlogHer for all the information you need to get started.


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