Grateful

I am sitting in the dark of my office, also my bedroom, keyboard aglow with no other light. I rarely write late into the night because my husband likes to sleep. He’s in Scotland now; day four of a twelve day golfing adventure with his best friend. I know it’s day four because our youngest son is marking the days on the calendar with an “X.” It helps him to conceptualize the time. And in helping himself, he helps me. When I tell people about this trip, they marvel. “Wow, you let him go?” It’s not about letting him or not letting him go. We let each other go. It’s the only way to be together. We (are learning to) let each other be who we are so that we can be our best selves with each other.

This is his second Scotland trip. The first was three years ago at the same time of year. This year, our youngest started kindergarten. Three years ago, our oldest did. At the time, I cried almost every day for weeks. That transition was painful and frightening for me. My health was precarious then. My drive to write felt flimsy, unfocused. I felt lost and judged myself as a result. His leaving added to that pain. When he left, we were fighting, distant. When he returned, we picked up where we left off. Our marriage felt fragile like thin sheets of ice shifting on a spring pond. But we found our way back to each other and we’re better now, both together and apart. 

We, like all couples, face challenges. Sometimes we meet them well, other times we falter. This challenge was an opportunity. A chance for us to work as a team and to be strong. This time when he left, I sent him off with tears, yes, but love, bittersweet love. And no anger. I watched him get swallowed up into the airport with joy in my heart because I knew he was going to feed his soul, and I was able to give that to him.

Friends tease me with “When is your two week getaway?” And I will have my turn. I know I will. There is time and space for me to feed my soul, however I need to do so. I don’t want a two week golf trip in Scotland. But what I want can be had. I simply need to ask. I don’t need to fear that I will be cheated. Someone who loves me as he does would never cheat me. He sees my soul, as I do his and I know how precious that is. And I am grateful.

I am grateful for so much in my life. My family, my friends, the community in which I live and feel supported and safe. I know, tonight more than ever as I sit in my dark bedroom, two warm cats waiting for me on my bed, two happy, sleeping children in their rooms below, that I am the luckiest girl I know.

Comments

  1. heartwriter says:

    JK, I love the honesty in your post. How insightful when you call the “challenge” an “opportunity.” Beautiful. Did you know your “Grateful” post was posted during “National Grateful Week?” I didn’t know the week existed…perhaps one day we won’t have to have a designated week, gratefulness will just be a deeper part of our being, as you demonstrated in your blog. Thank you.

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  2. Thanks Jenny. We really did see it as an opportunity and felt so good about each other when he left. I did not know it was grateful week. And I agree, we shouldn’t need a “grateful week” to be grateful and to show it. I was inspired by a friend with a suddenly quite ill husband. Also, sad that it takes seeing her go through that to make me see how much good I have. I vow to be more appreciative on a regular basis and to show it. So, thank you.

    Like

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